Christmas Corpse Caper Read online

  Kim stood close to me. “What next, superhero?”

  “We go in.” I slowly turned the door handle.

  “Look over there.” I pointed. On the floor next to Mr. Wallace’s casket, a floral arrangement lay with its red and white petals scattered and the blue ribbon bow smushed. After picking up the floral remains and placing it back on its stand, I did my best to make the arrangement look good. I felt a whoosh of hot air on the top of my head.

  “What happened?” Kim asked.

  “I’m not sure. There’s a heating vent above here, but I doubt the air coming out could have been strong enough to have knocked it over.” Something was going on. But I didn’t want to worry Kim. “It must’ve been just a freak spontaneous fall over because no one’s here.”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right. We’re all alone,” Kim said, although it sounded more like a question.

  Buzzzzzzzzz.

  “The delivery,” I said. “Let’s write this off as just a weird freak accident, okay?”

  “So all is good then?” Kim held my hand.

  I gave her a gentle squeeze. “Yes, it’s all good.” But was it?

  The buzzer sounded again.

  “While you get that, I’ll finish in the office.” Kim tiptoed up and kissed my cheek. “Thanks for being my protector. Sorry if I hurt your hand.”

  “Anytime you need to grab me, feel free.” Her kiss made my stomach take a freefall.

  Kim rolled her eyes, then turned and left.

  I jogged to the back. Upon opening the metal door, a gust of icy air mixed with snowflakes blew in. I helped the delivery man get the body bag from the back of the hearse onto the gurney. The frigid air numbed my hands.

  “You doing okay?” The man took off his wool hat and stepped inside. His black hair was cut short and close to his head.

  “Yup. Now I’ve got some more company.” I pointed at the body bag.

  He removed his leather gloves, reached in his jacket pocket and handed me a folded piece of paper. “Here, don’t lose this.”

  “Got it.” I set the paper on top of the body bag. I rubbed my hands together trying to get them warm.

  “Listen, I don’t want to keep you. You’ve got to get the body downstairs,” the man said with a smile. “Good luck and have fun.”

  “Fun?” I asked.

  He didn't respond with anything but a wave. As he exited, the wind blew the receipt from the top of the gurney. I grabbed it off the floor and tucked it under the body bag before shutting the back door. The bolt lock snapped shut under my fingers.

  Just moments later, poking my head in the office, I saw Kim bent over paperwork on her desk. “I’m heading down with the body.”

  Without looking up, Kim replied, “Fine.”

  I wheeled the body to the elevator and pushed the down button. The gurney’s wheels squeaked along the basement hallway. As I pushed, I noticed that the corpse must be a rather heavy person—the body bag bulged.

  Automatic lights flicked on as I entered the preparation room. The room had two metal tables. The silver shelving, lining the far wall, held tools, and equipment. The white tiled floor tilted slightly down toward drains. All the metal and white made the room look like a sterile operating room. I’ve spent hundreds of hours in the preparation room, but come to think of it, I couldn’t remember being alone in this room.

  After locking the gurney’s wheels in place, I went back upstairs to the office.

  “Did you miss me?” I asked, strolling in.

  Kim looked up. “Sure. Remember, you’re my hero.”

  “So now you’ll go out with me after my shift tonight? I mean since I’m your hero and all.”

  “Uh… right.” Kim kept her head down as her pen moved across paper on her desk.

  I grabbed a slice of pizza and took a bite. “Oh, and the body arrived safely.”

  “Great. Paperwork?”

  “What?” I asked after I swallowed.

  “Did you get a receipt?”

  Shoot I’d left it downstairs. “I’ll be right back.”

  * * *

  The basement seemed even colder the second time I went down and fear curled around my stomach when I saw the body bag.

  I blinked my eyes.

  Open? Who could’ve opened the bag? And it didn’t seem quite as full as before. I ran over to it. And it was… Empty. A body bag without a body. My stomach plummeted.

  What the hell?

  Darting my eyes around the room, I began looking under shelves and tables. What in the world happened? This was impossible. A body doesn’t get up and walk away. Live ones do, not dead ones.

  Okay, think. Think! I touched the body bag. Then lifted it up. Still no body. I found the delivery receipt and shoved it in my pocket.

  Oh shit. Oh no.

  My chest heaved, I felt lightheaded. I took in a deep breath and got a whiff of a spicy scent. My head spun, so I took in more breaths, fearing that I’d faint if I didn’t. My legs trembled.

  What happened to the body?

  Zombie?

  No. No.

  An illusion? I pushed the now empty gurney. But there was something heavy in it just a while ago. Yes. It was real. Although, I hadn’t opened the bag when it arrived. But still there was a body. I had the receipt.

  Kicking the ground, I yelled, “Damn!”

  What next? Do I call the police? No. Who would believe a corpse had walked away? I’d be the laughing stock at the Round Lake precinct.

  Call Mr. Kincaid? No. I’d be fired instantly.

  There had to be an explanation for this. My career depended on it.

  My breath came out in quick short bursts. The pounding of my heart seemed to ricochet off the tiled white walls. A cold sweat formed on my face. A missing body. Not good. Not good at all.

  “Mark, are you okay down there?’ Kim’s voice boomed from the intercom on the wall.

  I ran over and pressed the intercom talk button. Trying my best to sound nonchalant, I said, “Sure. Yes. Be right up.”

  As I made my way to the office I kept wondering whether or not I would tell Kim about the missing body.

  “Do you have it?” Kim asked as I entered the office.

  How did she know the body was gone? “No. It sort of disappeared.”

  “Really? How?”

  “One minute it was there and then… gone.” I opened my arms.

  “Gone?” She raised an eyebrow.

  “Yeah. Should I call the police?”

  “You’re taking this a little too seriously.” Kim grinned and shook her head.

  “Of course I am.” I waved my hands in the air. “This is my life. My future.”

  “You’re overreacting, aren’t you?” Kim turned her palms up.

  “No.” My whole body felt like a deflated balloon. Here I wanted to prove myself, and I did the complete opposite. “I’ve failed.”

  “Jeez. I don’t think one piece of paper will make or break your career.” Kim pursed her lips into a sort of frown like smile.

  “A piece of paper?”

  Kim giggled. “Yes, what did you think I was talking about?’

  “The body.”

  “Body?” Kim yelped.

  “Yes.”

  “What about the body?” Kim scowled.

  “Um, well you see.” I paced in front of her desk. “I wheeled the gurney with the body bag downstairs. I know there was a body on it, because it felt heavy and looked full. I put the gurney in the middle of the prep room and left. Anyway, then I came back up here. You asked for the receipt, and I went back down there and… long story short, it’s gone.”

  “Okay, Mark. Funny.” Kim flipped a piece of paper.

  I plopped into a chair and hung my head in my hands. “I wish.”

  “You’re not kidding, are you?’ Kim put her hand on my shoulder.

  “Nope.” Her touch sent a shiver down my spine. “Gone.”

  “Are you sure?” Kim asked.

  “Yes.” I sighed.
/>   “Let me take a look.” Kim got up.

  “We can go together. I don’t want you down there alone, just in case something happens. There’ve been a lot of strange things going on tonight.” I stood and grabbed her hand.

  “Nothing will happen to me because you’re my superhero.” She kissed my lips. “And you can save me, Santa Mark.”

  I took her in an embrace, and kissed her back. A warm soft wet kiss, that was better than I’d ever imaged. She smelled sweet, like candy. She put her hand behind my back, as I held her close.

  “Okay, enough of that.” Kim blushed as she moved away. “We have to find a body.”

  “I wish I still had my Batman cape.” I smiled. “It might come in handy about now.”

  As we left the office, lyrics from ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ blared from the speakers, “Oh, you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town.”

  * * *

  “Follow me.” I opened the preparation room door.

  Kim clutched my hand as we entered.

  The body bag looked… it looked full. My heart jumped.

  “Mark that doesn’t look like an empty bag.” Kim let go of my hand and folded her arms on her chest, and tapped her foot.

  “I swear it was empty.” I shook my head, puzzled.

  “Okay, I’m done.” Kim threw her hands in the air. “Too much excitement for one night.”

  “But?” I approached the table with the body bag. Yup. There was someone in there. “I swear just a while ago it was… it was… empty.”

  “Right.” Kim furrowed her eyebrows. “Real cute, Mark.”

  This time I wanted to make sure there was a body in there. I unzipped the bag.

  “Gotcha!” screamed Joe as he popped out of the body bag. He was dressed head to toe in a Santa suit, the black buttons of the red jacket pulling against his round belly.

  I toppled backward, hitting my back on the hard surface of a counter as I went down. My heart caught in my throat. Lying on the floor, the taste of bile formed in my mouth. My ears pounded with the sound of my racing heartbeat.

  “You should’ve seen your face,” he said. Joe laughed as he doubled over holding his stomach. The body bag lay crumpled on the floor.

  “You’re so mean! Poor Mark is scared to pieces,” Kim scolded Joe, her finger pointing in his square face.

  “I’m fine.” I rubbed my temples, staving off the overwhelming sensation to vomit. I had to appear brave in front of the bully and the girl. Act cool. “You got me. Good one, Joe.”

  “I should’ve filmed this. Too funny.” Joe caught his breath between chortles. His nostrils fanned out as he gasped for air.

  “Why didn’t you get Kim to film it?” I asked, rising slowly. Kim and Joe must’ve planned this together, down to her coming back under the guise of paperwork. She was here just to watch me get humiliated. But then why did she kiss me?

  “What do you mean?” Kim put her palms up. “I didn’t know anything about this.”

  “Sure. Whatever you say.” I huffed and flailed my arms. “Earlier you said ‘Or he wouldn’t’ something, but you stopped short of finishing your sentence. Was it because you knew Joe was going to do this?”

  “No, Joe told me earlier that he wanted to initiate you, and I thought that was a good thing. You know like he finally accepted you, but I didn’t know what his plans were.” Kim scowled.

  “Okay. I’ve done my good deed for the day.” Joe slapped my back. “You’re officially part of the team.”

  “Thanks for the adrenaline boost,” I said to Joe, trying to sound composed. “Don’t need coffee anymore.”

  “Glad to help. I’m heading upstairs,” Joe shouted, slamming the door behind him.

  “What did you mean, ‘whatever I say’? I had nothing to do with this.” Kim got in my face.

  Backing up, I said to her, “It was just coincidence that you were here with paperwork after hours and just sheer chance that you had me get the receipt… “

  “Hey, you’re the one who left the receipt down here. Not me.” After whirling on her heel, Kim stormed off. Her boots thumped down the hallway with each stomping footfall.

  “Yeah, right,” I shouted to no one in particular.

  This night was tanking. Joe embarrassed me. Kim was pissed off at me. A vase broke and a flower arrangement was damaged. What could happen next?

  Actually, I didn’t really want to know.

  * * *

  As I walked back upstairs, I thought about Kim kissing me and being so nice to me. It sure hadn’t seemed like an act. She’d really seemed to like me. Maybe I should believe her when she’d said that she had nothing to do with Joe’s prank.

  “I’m sorry I accused you of plotting against me. I just thought you were in on it too,” I said to Kim back in the office.

  “Hmmph.” Kim grabbed her coat. She slammed her desk drawer.

  “Please forgive me.” I tried to make eye contact with her.

  A loud noise made us both lock eyes.

  “Okay, that must be Joe again.” I chuckled.

  “Didn’t he leave?” Kim’s voice quivered.

  “I’m not sure. But he doesn’t know when to stop a joke. He’s trying to get me all riled up again. Bet he has a camera this time to permanently capture my reaction. I’m not going to let him put one over on me this time.” Pulling my shoulders back, I clenched my fists. “No, I’ll show him I’m no fool.”

  “What are you going to do?” Kim set down her coat. “What if it’s not him?”

  “Oh, it’s him.” I smiled. Yeah. The jerk.

  I marched out.

  “Wait for me.” Kim caught up with me. “I don’t want to be alone.”

  As I walked I announced—loud, for Joe to hear—”I am so glad I have a black belt. Whoever is here is going to be sorry.”

  Kim whispered, “Karate?”

  I lifted my shirt to show her my black leather belt.

  She whacked my arm.

  Even louder I said, “Yes, there’s going to be one sorry person when I get to them. I’m glad I have my pepper spray.” I pulled out my keychain, showing Kim the small pepper spray tube.

  She smiled.

  The sound of movement inside the Serenity Room made my body tense up.

  “Did you hear that?” Kim asked. She hung close to me. Close enough for me to smell her hair. Fruity. Like a smoothie.

  “It’s probably nothing. But I’m going in. Stay here.” I held her shoulders.

  “I’m going with you,” Kim insisted. “Please don’t leave me.

  “I love this, you’re begging me. This is a dream come true.”

  “Focus.” Kim held me close.

  “What are you up to?” Joe stormed down the hall.

  If Joe was in the hallway, then who was in the room? “I thought it was you.”

  “Obviously not.” Joe smirked.

  Slam.

  “What was that?” Joe asked.

  “I’m not sure,” I said.

  Kim pointed at the door to the Serenity Room. “Someone is in there.”

  “Who?” Joe whispered.

  “I don’t know. But how about you stay out here with Kim, and keep her safe. Let me see what’s going on. Be ready to call the police,” I whispered back.

  “Let’s call them now.” Joe pulled out his phone.

  “Not yet. Last time it turned out a vase fell. Give me a second to take a look, okay?” I quietly said.

  “Fine I’ll stay here with Joe,” Kim said. “Be safe, Mark.”

  Joe and Kim stood in the hallway, across from the Serenity Room door. I gave them a thumbs up, and then put a finger vertically on my mouth. They nodded.

  I opened the door. Two chairs were knocked over, and as I looked into the casket, I saw that Mr. Wallace had no jacket on.

  At the same time, a muffled weeping came from a closet. I crept over and threw open the closet door.

  A woman was in
side: Arlene Oldenburg, Mr. Wallace’s daughter.

  Arlene screamed.

  Joe and Kim burst into the Serenity Room.

  “What’s she doing here?” Joe asked as he pointed at Arlene.

  Knowing the issues she had with her sister, I had a feeling there was an explanation. I felt the desire to protect her. “I’ve got this under control. I’ll meet you both later in the office.”

  Joe said, “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. It’s Mr. Wallace’s daughter, Arlene. It’ll be fine,” I replied.

  Joe and Kim nodded and then left.

  Arlene slunk from the closet, holding a suit jacket. Her face pale and hands shaking, she smelled of liquor.

  “Are you going to karate me or do the pepper spray?” Arlene’s voice quivered as she sobbed.

  “What? Oh, no,” I said. “What are you doing here? How did you get in?”

  “Earlier, when I was alone in here, I unlocked the outside door over there.” She sniffed, pointing to back of the room. “I took a chance that you wouldn’t notice that it was unlocked. I needed to get in here when no one could see me.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  Arlene looked at her father’s casket but didn’t say anything. She hugged the jacket close to her chest.

  “What are you doing with this?” I reached for the jacket. “Arlene, please let me put it back on your dad.”

  Arlene jerked it away from my reach. “No. I need this.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because this is mine. I’m entitled to it.” Her mouth formed a pout.

  “Fine. Let’s have Susan bring another jacket over when she comes to get you. And you can keep this one.” I felt like Arlene acted like a child, but then again, the death of a parent caused some people to revert to their childhood.

  “No. Don’t call her,” Arlene shouted, her whole body shaking.

  “But I have to.”

  “You can’t. I beg of you. Don’t call her,” Arlene pleaded, placing her hand on my arm.

  “Okay. Then give it to me, and I’ll fix your dad up. We’ll just act like none of this ever happened.” I moved closer to her.

  “You can’t have it.” She stepped back.

  “Okay, what’s going on? If you don’t tell me, I’ll have to inform Susan or the police.”

  Arlene walked over to a chair and slumped in it. I sat beside her.